I find myself unable to sleep tonight. Its tough. I drank a little white wine tonight to ease myself to sleep (just a little... I promise) but no luck. I find myself unable to sleep lately and I think I am starting to figure out why. At first I thought it was because I might be nervous for the wedding this weekend; nervous how my life will be forever changed and that I might not be able to handle it. As time went on, though, I realized this wasn't the case at all. I have been looking forward to this since before I first proposed to Lala last Christmas on the cruise with her family. I've never felt something was so right for me (even with all the things that got messed up along the way, I still felt like the timing was the only issue that needed work).
While Lala was here helping take care of me, we started doing something that I think will forever change our relationship: we read the Bible together before we would sleep. One of us would read selected chapters to the other and then we would discuss it or re-read it to try to find all meaning that was placed there by our Creator. It was an awesome sensation to come to realize that Lala isn't someone who is supposed to complete me (as in a soul-mate) but rather compliment me so that together we might love the Lord more fully. We all see differently through our own eyes but when we are able to sit back and enjoy the love from above, the sensations become overwhelming. This is but a taste of what I have begun to experience with Lala as we would read together.
I know I have a thick skin and more often than not, a thick skull... this sometimes make me put up walls and I jump to conclusions or make myself seem like I understand something when I may not fully comprehend the significance that is presented. The last few times Lala and I read to each other, I have tried to just open myself up to the possibility that I knew nothing about what we were reading beforehand, but rather treat it like it was the first time I was hearing it... and in essence, this turned out to make a world of difference because I was able to hear more clearly a simple nature speaking through the words. I've never slept more peacefully than I have after our readings together.
So, to step down and get back to why I think it is that I am unabe to sleep is simply the preparation for what lays ahead. I want to offer her a life as free from hardship as can be but I know this is unrealistic. I mean, I'm an officer in the United States Navy... hardships will be around every corner. Deployments and workups and refreshers and everything else that can and will keep me from home and from the one I will be devoting my love and life to will tear me apart.
I want this ceremony to be perfect for her... even if it is something small this time around. I know the first attempt we made at this would have been perfect... big, bold, and unforgettable. But this time around I just don't get the same feeling about the ceremony. The meaning is still the same (if not, stronger); the people, while smaller in number, all mean the most to us... and this may be the saving grace with this factor: the people we do have coming have all been good influences in our life together or have all been an unwavering support to us. We know there are many more who we wish could spend the day with us, but we
are planning on having receptions back in our respective hometown areas so as to allow us to celebrate with more family members and friends close to us... of course, more information regarding this will come at the necessary times.
Tonight, to help my worried feelings of being unprepared, I've been going through music online and trying to get enough in "stock" for when Lala gets here with her mother so we can all go through the music, etc. I hope it will all help as I really realy do want this to be perfect for her. I've listened to almost all of them (all the way through) and am making playlists to go over later with Lala.
I hope tomorrow is a better day than today in terms of pain. I will be going in to the flight doc as soon as I am able to go long enough off of my prescription Percocet to drive in. Still no signs of the stones passing and I am still experiencing the pain in my lower abdomen and right-hand side at times (most noteably after I am done in the bathroom for 20-30 minutes following). I am also having pains in my jaw now, near my left ear. My body is just being stupid and seeming to want to fall apart on me. Not good timing, Body... not good timing at all. I want to go back to flying and getting qualified. I study during the days so as to keep myself going and not feeling like I am falling too far behind. UGH... we'll see how this all pans out soon.
Ok, well now I feel like I better do a little bit of last minute editing of the playlists and then its off to sleep as I lay here in bed. Thanks for staying awake long enough to finish this. :-) Wish me luck.
Cheers.
A Russian military vehicle rolls past a house set on fire by South Ossetian militia in the Georgian village of Kvemo-Achebeti.
A Russian soldier walks by the same house set on fire by South Ossetian militia.
An elderly Georgian couple escaping from their house set on fire by the South Ossetian militia.
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